Today I lied.

My point in sharing my feelings and thoughts is not for pity. It's not to make you feel bad. No a world that has become so outspoken, this is to give a voice for something painful. This is also my safe place to speak freely. You can choose to read or choose to ignore. My feelings will not be hurt. 

Today I lied. 

Completely and utterly lied. I was in a busy place. Lots of faces, lots of people. I saw a friend. Not on social media or my personal circle. One I don't see everyday. And one I saw the day before "That Sunday". She saw me chatting about my pregnancy and asking her for advice in handling three. In a quick and chaotic moment she asked.......

About the pregnancy...... That no longer existed and the baby that wasn't there.

In that busy second my world stopped and everything stood still. I had on an oversized tshirt and by no means could she have possibly known, that under that tee shirt was nothing. So I lied. The world picked back up. The noisy room continued. Life continued. I told her pregnancy was going great, I was doing wonderful, and ran off pretending to catch my daughter who ran away from me. Who I knew was just going to get water and I pretended to be helicopter mom flying after her.

The truth? I couldn't bare the pain of continuing the conversation. Not only to protect me, but to protect hers. I know I am hurting and grieving but I have been in that awkward place. Where you ask.... I was not about to be Debbie downer in a packed house with tons of eyes. I didn't want it to be noticed. I didn't want the gasp, or the "Im so sorry"... There. Not there. Not then. So I lied. But the lie plagued me. I sat back down after chasing Little Mess back to her seat, I sat. I tuned into the pregnant ladies conversation behind me. The soon to be new dad to the side, and the other returning back to the hospital for his new born daughter. He too had three daughters. My mom was there too and she and I were wrapped in another conversation. It was surreal. I was sitting there. Half involved in the world (somewhat) while the other half seemed to be struggling with acceptance of "my" world. 

I sat and listened. It hurt. It did. I felt so alone in a very pregnant world. In a world that was carrying on.

Just like that I realized. I am part of the club. A club I never knew existed. One that I didn't want to be a part of. One I didn't "rush" for. One I didn't pay registration or dues. But I was in like Flynn. 

I regret ever complaining about the "pain" of being pregnant. And hurt now because I want it so bad. 

I regret ever saying, I can't wait for this to be over"..... Because it is and I didn't want it to be. 

I regret ever griping about it, because someone just like me (now) probably heard me. And on that day, I probably sent them home too in tears. Because no one knows. 

Yes I have two beautiful living/thriving/beautiful/healthy girls that God blessed me with. As each day passes I realize just how much of a blessing they truly are. 

But completely being honest having those two does not take away the hurt I currently feel. It's helps, but doesn't take it away. It doesn't take away the fact that I love children and want so bad to experience the birth and "afterhood" of another. And while coming to terms with loosing Ava I am also quite possibly realizing my body may not allow me too again. Yes. 

So I lied. It's so much easier to carry on with a conversation, hide the hurt and pain, then to actually feel it and greive it in a moment. 

Trust me. I'm not always Brave. I'm not always outspoken. Often I find it hard to verbalize "these" words and "these" feelings.