God's Doors

A lot has happened over the last couple of weeks. I have remained silent to allow a lot to process. After August 2, 2016. My OB forgot about me. The busy office carried on. The comfort I received on that day vanished. (Except from the NP- who hugged me each time she saw me). The tests we requested (which were recommended by the dr) we were told were not run on her by mistake. So they ran a bunch on us. $$$$$$$. Only to find out the following week they actually were run... Our little Ava Rae, was perfect. No defects, no genetic or other known abnormalities. Last week was horrible. I received insensitive call after call, day after day. Like "Did you want to know the sex of the baby?" "Are you trying to get pregnant?" "Is this for fertility?" "I'm sorry your chart is everywhere, I didn't know what test result you wanted". I absolutely hated it.  I left the office after my post op visit feeling deflated. I sat in the waiting room with all the pregnant mommies for 1.5 hours. Only to be told when I got back. "I'm sorry, we weren't supposed to leave you out there. We should have had you back in a room sooner." Thanks for the thought? It was just too much during a tough point. The appointment didn't go well. The assurance wasn't there, and she just wanted more tests run on something that was physically hurting badly and not healing. 

Ben had enough. He was angry. I was passive and hurt. 

But as he always does, God opened a door. I had called to another provider and couldn't get a soon enough new patient appointment. I talked to a friend, and she told me of a Dr. with a smaller practice. I called and sure enough they had a new patient consult TUESDAY! I took it. It's nice to walk into an office and see a beautiful quaint waiting room with 8 beautiful chairs then it is seeing 30 full chairs. It's also nice to see a smile instead of a window. As I walked in 2 other people were there. I walked up and she asked, "Are you Sarah?". There was no long list of people and no kid standing there telling me about their new computer system asking if I had been there since they changed it each painful time I went in. Anyway. I saw her. And loved her. She actually looked and listened - 30 min straight. 

Turns out everything is actually fine. After some ultrasounds and non-evasive testing. I am fine. I just need time. I just need to be left alone to heal. No more tests, no more poking and prodding. Just heal. She explained what was "hit". Showed me and told me, that was what was hurting. Now. A weight has been lifted. I have no more tests to schedule. No more labs, no more consults. It's time to move forward and heal. No more obnoxious, insensitive, daily calling. 

I have learned. You don't have to go to the big pretty large offices. Sometimes a small, quaint, only 2 people in the front, who know you,  office is what you need. I saw some familiar faces and friendly. 

Much needed. 

Side note: We were given approval to try again in about 3 months. I am not mentally there yet. The outpouring of prayers and love has been amazing. Thank you all so much for the support. I needed it. 💗💗 So now for healing. 

Today I lied.

My point in sharing my feelings and thoughts is not for pity. It's not to make you feel bad. No a world that has become so outspoken, this is to give a voice for something painful. This is also my safe place to speak freely. You can choose to read or choose to ignore. My feelings will not be hurt. 

Today I lied. 

Completely and utterly lied. I was in a busy place. Lots of faces, lots of people. I saw a friend. Not on social media or my personal circle. One I don't see everyday. And one I saw the day before "That Sunday". She saw me chatting about my pregnancy and asking her for advice in handling three. In a quick and chaotic moment she asked.......

About the pregnancy...... That no longer existed and the baby that wasn't there.

In that busy second my world stopped and everything stood still. I had on an oversized tshirt and by no means could she have possibly known, that under that tee shirt was nothing. So I lied. The world picked back up. The noisy room continued. Life continued. I told her pregnancy was going great, I was doing wonderful, and ran off pretending to catch my daughter who ran away from me. Who I knew was just going to get water and I pretended to be helicopter mom flying after her.

The truth? I couldn't bare the pain of continuing the conversation. Not only to protect me, but to protect hers. I know I am hurting and grieving but I have been in that awkward place. Where you ask.... I was not about to be Debbie downer in a packed house with tons of eyes. I didn't want it to be noticed. I didn't want the gasp, or the "Im so sorry"... There. Not there. Not then. So I lied. But the lie plagued me. I sat back down after chasing Little Mess back to her seat, I sat. I tuned into the pregnant ladies conversation behind me. The soon to be new dad to the side, and the other returning back to the hospital for his new born daughter. He too had three daughters. My mom was there too and she and I were wrapped in another conversation. It was surreal. I was sitting there. Half involved in the world (somewhat) while the other half seemed to be struggling with acceptance of "my" world. 

I sat and listened. It hurt. It did. I felt so alone in a very pregnant world. In a world that was carrying on.

Just like that I realized. I am part of the club. A club I never knew existed. One that I didn't want to be a part of. One I didn't "rush" for. One I didn't pay registration or dues. But I was in like Flynn. 

I regret ever complaining about the "pain" of being pregnant. And hurt now because I want it so bad. 

I regret ever saying, I can't wait for this to be over"..... Because it is and I didn't want it to be. 

I regret ever griping about it, because someone just like me (now) probably heard me. And on that day, I probably sent them home too in tears. Because no one knows. 

Yes I have two beautiful living/thriving/beautiful/healthy girls that God blessed me with. As each day passes I realize just how much of a blessing they truly are. 

But completely being honest having those two does not take away the hurt I currently feel. It's helps, but doesn't take it away. It doesn't take away the fact that I love children and want so bad to experience the birth and "afterhood" of another. And while coming to terms with loosing Ava I am also quite possibly realizing my body may not allow me too again. Yes. 

So I lied. It's so much easier to carry on with a conversation, hide the hurt and pain, then to actually feel it and greive it in a moment. 

Trust me. I'm not always Brave. I'm not always outspoken. Often I find it hard to verbalize "these" words and "these" feelings. 

Her life ❤️

 I use this as my motivation for healing and others use it as a since of normalizing their feelings if that makes sense. I sometimes feel that God created me to express myself this way, and be vulnerable so someone else who may not be able to express their feelings this way, can see. Its ok.

Before I became pregnant with Ava I had a very vivid dream of God holding me. And telling me he was with me. I didn't understand it at that time. It played in my head and my anxious mind kicked in. But it was silenced by Gods love in an "oddly" calming fashion. Two weeks later we read the positive pregnancy test for Ava. Now take us 1 week shy of 4 months pregnant. And 2 weeks out of the gate of the first trimester. That let me add was miserable. I vomited daily, hourly, consecutively for weeks. But remained strong. I thought I was safe. I had no reason to doubt it. 

To the part no one knows but Ben:

There was something "different" with this pregnancy. I wasn't as "excited". For some reason I  was cautious. For some reason I had trouble envisioning January when she would arrive. We gave her a name. The name Rae, after my dad who is a staple in our life, our marriage, and the first man to have my heart. He is also the first to show Ben many things about raising a family. Her name was special in our house and hearts. For me, something was missing. I quietly made her a registry (no one knew that). These were reminders of things we needed more or so for me. I caught myself drifting to the oh so tiny new born section but never had the heart to purchase. I unwrapped some of my dresses I wore and felt those were appropriate and brought them out for her. I washed them and hung them in our room. This made something seem real. I grabbed my planner and changed the pencil markings to pen markings. I began to get excited. I marked all our milestones in my planner complete with my list of appointments. I began to speak her name and speak of her. I began to get excited. 

Then Sunday. I started having cramps and unbearable back pain. For me, in those minutes, I knew she was gone. I have and at times eerie sense, and I knew. Something told me. She wasn't there anymore. Something told me to prepare. I was awake in pain. 

Monday comes. The fever kicks in. The chills are there, and the flu-ish like symptoms started. I selfishly put off the call since I already had an appointment that afternoon. In my heart of hearts, I knew. And postponed it. I wanted the day to sit in and attempt to take it in before it was medically validated. Ben offered to go to my visit. But selfishly, I told him no. I didn't want him to feel the pain I knew was coming my way. I didn't want him to have to see the ultrasound for them to confirm it. I knew I could handle it on my own. God prepared me. 

Her heart didn't register in the Doppler. They brought me into ultrasound. And as soon as I saw her. I knew. Her arms were crossed in front of her chest and her legs crossed. Her head tucked into her chest and she was peaceful. But I knew her heart was no longer beating. Mine stopped for a second as well. The tears came. The moment I thought I could handle by myself came. I cried. It hit me. The guilt was more then I could bear. 

Did I not appreciate her enough?

Should I have gotten that onesie I wanted for her?

Should I have pulled the stuff down from the attic?

Should I have been thinking of future? 

Why me? 

I shouldn't have gone to the beach. 

I should have taken the nausea medicine to keep food down.

I should have.... The list was endless. 

But at quick as I asked, I answered. 

I questioned my faith, not in God, but myself. I no longer had faith in myself. I no longer felt capable. I was so worried about everyone else, I completely lost faith in me. I doubted that this body created by Gods blood could handle such a gift and I lost faith in it. 

Wow. From the beginning. I began to doubts it's every move. I doubted each pain as a sign for failure. I doubted each milestone as a step closer to heartache. 

The guilt tripled. It was me. 

Stepping back to the Monday. All ultrasounds medically concluded what I knew in my heart. But I wasn't prepared for the quickness. My body was getting sick. And she needed to be out of my womb. And just like that the appointment went from grieving to surgery planning. Then surgery prep, then surgery. I remember that night, holding my belly, and pleading for a miracle. Sobbing and praying for just one more kick. And just like that I woke up on the day I turned 15 weeks pregnant, not pregnant anymore. With no signs of a baby. 

I shouldn't be here. 

This isn't happening again.

This can't be real.

I'm pregnant!!!! ..... But I'm not.

I had to wear maternity shorts, my belly was showing. She was there. But in a week she was gone. With no trace of her besides the IV marks in my arm and the follow up calls from the hospital.

Then the following Monday (1 week after) I was determined to have a good day. I saw my discharge paperwork. "missed abortion". She was medically known as a "missed abortion". I get it. It's a medical term. But to a mom who just had a miscarriage at 15 weeks just shy of 4 months pregnant to share a word with abortion is gut wrenching. There needs to be a different word. Once less abrasive. One less intentional. 

I cried and cried. 

Over the past 2 weeks I have cried more then I have in a lifetime. I have questioned myself and my faith. I have yelled, screamed, and hurt. I don't understand. Why is this done to a family so desperately trying and wanting this baby. Why. Why make it so painful and hurtful that it literally sucks the life and breath out of you. Why? 

"She is with God"

But I wanted her with me.

"She is in a better place"

Where better then with me.

"She was called home"

But I am home.

But somewhere deep, that needed to be pulled out, was my deep rooted faith, that I had to trust. I knew, but my earthly body didnt want to truly know. That's what would "take time". 

The toughest part was yet to come. Telling the girls. 

Adelyn cried but has a faith that is inspirational. She knows her God and knows his love. And is planning a celebration for her birthday. (Which would have been just before her own birthday). She has asked awkward and tough questions but remained steady even as I collapsed and failed miserably at answering. She has asked people to pray for our family boldly, adding us to prayer lists. I admire her strength. 

Aubrey. Aubrey has struggled. My heart breaks more and more at every thought. Aubrey was preparing for her sister. She got her baby dolls back out and was practicing. She was making plans for Ava and would tell me daily. She was so excited to really ready to be a big sister. As the words left my mouth. She sobbed. Uncontrollably. "But I wanted to hold her!". The breath was literally taken from my lungs. I glanced at Ben and he took over. He knew I had nothing. He knew I couldnt speak a word. He answered and calmed her. On the following day, Aubrey approached me and asked if she hurt Ava. She again cried in hysterics. By the time I got her calmed down, she explained. "Because Mommy, you said not to kick you in the tummy because it hurt when Ava was there, and I kicked you". As she and I cried, I made her promise me, she would never blame herself.

We have chosen to not discuss it anymore with her at this time. It began to affect her. She couldnt grasp and couldnt understand. Its been a couple of weeks and things are better for her. She occasionally speaks about it, but with a smile. Ben and I talk about her together and with Addi. We asked Addi to just talk to mommy and daddy, and asked her not to speak with Aubrey about it, until we decide to address it with her "later". I feel like this is the right thing to do for her.

I never imagined any of this would be so tough. I have every pregnancy test, photo, video, post etc. Still up. I dont have the heart to remove it. The picture of my green car trying to fit 3 car seats now makes me cry. Each day is getting better. But there is still a knot in my stomach. And all it takes in 1 word, 1 memory, or 1 thought to unleash tears.

For the most part I am "ok". I can talk about her on my own regard but should you see me, dont be afraid to ask. Dont be afraid to talk to me. I wont break. Dont be afraid to laugh with me, hug me, or tell me a joke. I can still laugh. I am ok. 

WelikeCAMPING-LEEisurely

Switching it up a bit. As "depressing" as I come across on my blog just remember writing is my therapy. Trust me I am not normally a walking disaster pit. Usually quite the opposite. Which is why most don't know anything is wrong. Anyway. Moving forward. 

CAMPING!!! 

I got several messages about it. With several interested in going, just not sure what to do. So let me preface this. We are NOT pros and although we may appear to be, we have only gone 3 times. BUT I can share what we have learned. Must have items etc. 

Our first trip we went with our church small group. I would recommend any first timers to go with a group or someone else. That way you have someone else there to "help". We always have an open invitation for people wanting to come. We went to Bouga Chitta State Park. (Currently closed due to storm and damages). But their primitive camping site was "out there". If you just want to be in the middle of the woods head out there. Yes they have a play area, bathrooms, etc but it's a driving distance. We borrowed a tent and had NO (I repeat) NO supplies besides hot dogs and smore stuff. I monogrammed the girls sweatshirts though!!! It was FREEZING but we enjoyed it. 

Our next trip we purchased a tent. It's an 8 person and perfect for us. This time we went with my parents. They had the gear. I completely under packed clothes and forgot socks for all.  We went to Buccaneer State Park and planned to stay 2 nights but just stayed one. It was a great locations the park was nice. The bathrooms were a drive away. BUT we ended up right by a train track that a train passed on every 3-4 hours.... Nothing like the feel of the ground rumbling. We also didn't sleep well. I didn't really feel "safe" considering there was a public road close by. This time we brought the girls "baby potty" for them to use. It comes with us now. Adelyn was determined a bear was going to get her while she pottied. 

After that trip we wanted another. Oddly enough. I found Gulf State Park. I went on a whim and reserved two nights. We invited several people but as time came close it ended up just us. I completely overpacked however this was to avoid an under packing issue. We also had an over abundance of socks. The weather was anywhere between 40-80 degrees with rain in the forecast.  So packing was more "complex". For Christmas, we got supplies. Tables, egg holder, pokers, sandwhich makers, skillets, lamps, lights, lanterns etc. We still used my dads 30 year old stove. We had it all. (And FYI, it's not expensive stuff). We loaded up bikes and has no idea what we were getting into. This park was exactly what we wanted.  But, not everything goes as planned. The second night the stove broke, and we ran out of firewood (the park also ran out). So we ended up at Pizza Hut! So to be close for the "in cases" is nice. 

Breakdown of parks we have visited for camping with young kids. 

Bouga Chitto- very primitive, not close to others, bathroom/showers are far away. There is a park, but tough to get to. 

Buccaneer- nice but make sure your not by the tracks. Go when the wave pool is open. 

Gulf State Park- has it all. The main thing the park is HUGE. But the camp sight area is ONLY for campers. So traffic flow is restricted. Bathrooms are roughly about every .25 miles. So it's a quick walk.  It is well lite, so you don't feel completely "out there". And while it has "primitive" camping you aren't completely secluded. Which I prefer with little ones. We had trees surrounding us, but as we made it down our gravel driveway it opened up to other large camp sights. Has TONS of activities for little ones and kids of all ages. 

Questions I have received:

I can't get passed the bugs, they have to be everywhere. Not really. We wear off mosquito and tick repellent. This last trip it was only needed when we went for walks. The tent stays zipped up at all times. 

I don't do snakes. Neither does Ben. He almost stepped on an already dead pigmy rattle snake when walking on the road. As we were leaving we saw a corn snake. For the most part they stay away. We look out and I check out under things before playtime ensues. (I do this same thing at home). But it's not a snake free for all out there constantly. You just have to be mindful of your locations. I looked up snakes types for our area. Yes, there were rattlesnakes in an area we went walking on (Gulf state park). I had an encounter with one beforehand when Ben and I used to ride trials on bikes. They normally don't just go biting you. Anyway. It's important to know your surroundings. But we used this as a learning opportunity. Had we not had this lesson this week, Aubrey would have wanted to pick up and pet every snake 😳. Yes she talked to the dead rattle snake. "You dead? It's ok". 😂😂 

I don't like the outdoors. Then camping may not be your thing. BUT if a Mom from Chicago, which 6 kids (5 boys), whom has never been camping in her life drives 16 hours to go camping, you can do it. 

Where do I start? Just like we did. Borrow a tent. Go with some folks who have gear. And see if it's your thing. That's it. If you don't like it, pack it up and go home. You will likely just be out about $20 if that. 

What do I pack? This list can be rather difficult or simple. There are several websites with basics. My reasonings for things may be different then yours. I start with figuring out meals first. Hot dogs, grilled cheese, borittos, quesadillas, or most recently favorite the lunchables. Then look at weather and pack accordingly. I also look at activities planned. Pack those needs. But be prepared for mishaps. Make sure there are other food sources available. I mean this isn't "Naked and Afraid" and we aren't spending 21 days in the wildnerness with no food. Cool it. Your sleeping in a tent in a city LOL! 

What do you sleep on? Pine straw. Just kidding. We have tried air mattresses and they didn't work for us. We bring a down comforter (old) and have sleeping bags laid out. It's pretty comfy. Our next purchase is just a mat to lay down. We recently purchased a $14 tent fan that runs off batteries and it was fantastic. Ben and I have 2 sleeping bags that were gifted to us. They are VERY nice. We started out with 2 Disney frozen ones for the girls. But recently upgraded theirs for a lower temperature rating. It just depends on when, where, and what your preference is. I mean pine straw may be your thing! 

I have to shower. That's great. Go take one. If you are fearful of the communal shower, then you must have never taken a shower in a dorm LOL! You can also get a little portable shower. They are inexpensive. Bring flip flops. And if all of the above scare you find a pool and jump in!! 

There were other questions too, but I have typed a novel. In short, the experience that camping brings can be good. It teaches a lot and brings a family closer. There is no perfect list. We played card games, guess who, board games etc. If you ask the girls they won't stop talking about it. Aubrey will talk about the snakes and rabbits and Addi will talk about the beach ❤️ But both are ready for our next adventure. So come with us!!! 

The after with my Village

For me writing is my therapy. Often times I feel like I can't make since of my thoughts and when I write them down it just makes sense. It's my way of understanding, feeling, and moving forward. I write for me. Yesterday was painful. I was incredibly vulnerable. I allowed myself that time to be that way. To cry and hurt. We are all different. God molded us different. And some just choose different ways to communicate. 

Yesterday I felt alone. Alienated to some extent. Ben as well. He felt "weird". But after I posted I was reassured by my "village" I was not alone. I found out my experience was similar to many others. It gave me a sense of "keeping it together". As each post came in, I read, I cried. People were real right back. But with each one I healed a little. And when Aubrey caught me with tears She would hide and jump out with her "scary" hands and go "ROARRR". "I scared you mommy right mommy? Yes? Yes, mommy?". To which I was forced to response "yes" each time with a smile. 

Each post took some of the sting out from yesterday. And each "ROAR" reminded me of Gods blessing. 

This morning I greeted myself again with tears as I read a response from the hospital. It was a real email. Not auto generated. I recognized the few who helped and provided feedback for those that didn't. I often find myself making excuses for others, so as normal I also did in this case.  I have no idea what the Dr was doing or dealing with. I know he was tired too. I have forgiven each for their part in my horrible morning. The lady for applying the latex tape or whatever that I informed I was allergic too, but she never cared to take note. I mean I have had several surgeries and delivered a baby at this hospital and it has remained the same. But it's fine. I was not in a "argumentative" mood. I couldn't, it hurt. And Today you can see the exact swollen spot where the tape went. It's ok. But she too was frustrated because even in an ER department she "couldn't find tape". I know the man who took my blood and made his word mixup probably didn't know how to overcome his wording blunder and for that I have compassion to understand that. He is not a spiteful person. He just chose the wrong words. As I have done before too. However the throw up bin girl will have to take some more praying from me. I will be honest. The bruises on my back from balancing are a reminder of her crappy service to me. I'm not perfect. Nor do I expect perfection. But I do expect compassion and of course keeping those awkward pail pink throw up bins for their common use. 

Yes. I post emotions "we aren't supposed to discuss". I post feelings that "are just too much". But what my form of communication does is it helps others to understand things better too. And again this showed. Several other had this same experience. It is nice to know you aren't alone. Thank you to my village for praying and holding me up these last 24-48 hours. ❤️ keep the prayers coming! 

Six Weeks

This one will be tough to read for some. If you dont like feelings, rawness, vulnerability, you may stop here.

6 weeks. I was pregnant for 6 weeks, well 5 weeks and 6 days. That came crashing down early this morning.

Let me continue.

I woke up in a blur. It hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I sank further and further. Sitting by myself in the bathroom. I just cried. Its all I could do to hold myself up.

A couple hours passed, and pain set in. Mental and physical. The physical pain had kept me up all night. I have experienced significant abdominal pain, but this was very much different. 

Ben and I went to the ER.

First, the world has not become "sensitive" we have lost "compassion".  I will leave the name of the hospital out of this. The Dr. was rude. Commenting "ONLY" 6 weeks. His words were harsh (even harsh for tough Ben). His expression was closed, and his compassion didn't exist. He made several comments as if my pregnancy didn't exist anyway. He even went as far as to say, well maybe you are just really irregular.

Yes, ONLY 6 weeks. ONLY 6 weeks after trying for 2 years since our last miscarriage. ONLY 6 weeks pregnant after fearing I would never get pregnant again. ONLY 6 weeks after taking 5 pregnancy tests at different times to confirm. Only 6 weeks after no period for 2 weeks; the one that is NEVER late. We experienced joy, excitement, nervousness, and now immense sadness  in that short period. For him to just wash it away with his flakey words. 

I looked down at the ground, with my hands on my face praying, and praying. It was all I could do to keep myself from slapping the mess out of him.

A nurse came in, and they were busy, unorganized, and all over the place. Which I can understand to a degree. They drew blood. The guy drawing the blood says, "Oh Congrats, did you know you were expecting?" Only for me to reply. "No, I am having a miscarriage". It hit me, I cried. Uncontrollably. He never apologized, he patted my back, and walked off. I saw Ben out of the corner of my eye, his mouth dropped.

After several other encounters with compassion-less medical staff, in walked a wonderful RN. She saw my pain. She saw the hurt. And at that point she made me feel like a person. She cared. She explained. She showed compassion. I was met with a pregnant ultrasound tech, who showed compassion. Who sympathized, and cared. She explained my HCG levels just never made it to where they needed to be. (Something no one did up until this point). 

Then the young lady who did my pelvic exam. She asked me to prop my butt up on a throw-up bin, while she mashed on my stomach, I am SURE that is not proper procedure. I was already in immense pain, and I am positive "Prop patient up on small, hard, plastic bin for vaginal pelvic exam" is no where in a manual of ANY type. As if I already didnt feel awkward, weird, crappy enough. AND I am sure she never looked at my chart to find out where, why, what I was in there for, before discussing with me. Her comment would be TMI. However considering the amount of pain, and balancing act of laying on a plastic bin, I was unable to maneuver to kick her. 

To those two ladies who did help, thank you. To the other 5 who were in and out of my room, I will pray for you.

Walking in the hospital, was hard enough. I kept asking "how am I here?". When I had to pee in a cup I thought to myself "I shouldn't be doing this". "Is this really happening......again". For some reason I felt dirty. This was the best way to describe it. I walked in a daze. I am now back in my bed, typing this. Hoping to heal soon. Praying. It's all I have. Tomorrow morning I will wake up. A little emptier. But I will trust that God has his hand on me pushing me one step further. Today he is allowing me to cry, feel, and hurt. He hasn't left my side. 

We would appreciate prayers of comfort right now. Yes it was only 6 weeks. But for that short time we were excited. ❤️

Motherhood

I often get messages from moms(and dads)  about help. Either I have gone through something or they want my two cents. I have my beliefs on what works. I do not and will not put down another. I'm a no judge zone. Now. I will be honest I have some hinges that come loose on occasion. Especially hearing babies scream. That's tough for this warm and cuddly mommy. Either way. Glad you are here to listen to me ramble. 

I am not a Doctor, Scientist, Nurse, there is no PhD, or well earned initials following my name. I am a Mom. I do not claim any stardems, I have no advanced background to compare to another. I am a mom. A Momx2. Would love to be a x3 but God is showing different plans. My point. I'm not that special.

But I am very special to two precious girls who rely heavily on my awful judgment. 

That's how we mostly feel as Moms right? Like everything we do is wrong? We question every decision? We have sleepless nights wondering if the choice we made was right. Do I vaccinate, or don't I? Do I combine all the vaccines because there is like 4 shots at a time, or do them separate? Flu shot or not? Do I use antibiotics for ear infections or not? Do I breastfeed or not? Can I breastfeed in public? What about after 1? What formula do I use or how about soy? Do I wear my baby or is that too much connection? Do I let them cry it out or not? Nunu? Bottles? Co sleeping, family bed, or kid in own bed?  Huggies, Luvs, pampers, cloth, Walmart brand??? Do I need a swing or bouncer? To Feber or not, what about baby wise? The list can go on for days (more like the rest of their life).

Then to throw salt in the wound of a mom especially a first time mom, someone who may have answered yes to a question you chose no to, is judging you for the action you made or didn't make. Wow. So your basically telling me I screwed up this mom thing? 

Someone is sharing a post of how inadequate you are for having a cesarean section because you are less then a woman and mother then the one who went all natural. 

Wow. (And that article totally did surface)

My point. As glorifying and wonderfully rewarding being a parent is, it is baffling. It is scary. It is nerve racking. It will make you grow gray hair. It will make you cry. Most importantly it will make you feel completely inadequate at times. And when you want to make an excellent decision, you question your judgment.

There are hopeless nights of dealing with a sick child when you can't do anything,  to take it away. Coupled with a day you feel like you hung the moon!!!! Talk about a bipolar day. 

You may have moments when your child becomes violently ill after EVERY time of receiving a vaccine. You question. You ask yourself, what did I do wrong. You hold the guilt. But then you read an article about an infant who passed away because of whooping cough. So tragic and tough. You weep for that mother only to question yourself yet again. 

When your kids medicine isn't working for something you question. What else is there. How can I fix this? What can I do. And you turn over every rock that can be turned. You become "the crazy mom" and call everyone you can possibly call. You pull out everything. Nothing gets in your way. Nothing stops you. And still you feel.... It's not enough. 

There are moments as you are holding your kids head over a toilet watching them sick and you can't.do.a.thing.  Or your holding them because they haven't figured out how to vomit over the toilet so you stand there until they stop. Covering you both. But you don't care you just  want to take it and would gladly step up to the porcelien god for them.....but you can't. 

Moments of seeing your beloved child in a hospital hooked up to machines and you feel everything falling. And you blame it on you. Because of your judgment call. 

There are nights of endless crying that you cry too because you have no idea what to do. 

It's a mothers constant instinct to question. But it's God will. And through all of the guilt stricken, awful judgment calls we make. God is there for support. He knows yours heart and knows your struggles. 

I am a baby snuggler all night holder, attachment, breastfed 1 and formula fed the other, come lay in mommies bed, milk after 12 months, Nunu at almost 4, essential oil, momma. And I am proud of it. 

Motherhood is tough enough. And if we could all just be there for each other it would be a heck of a lot easier. So the next time you want to blast out an I'm a better mommy then you.....understand. It's one heck of a ride. And God picked each of us as parents of our precious children for a reason. So allow yourself to be the best parent you can be!